The first rule of RAGBRAI is You Do Not Talk About RAGBRAI. The second rule of RAGBRAI is you Do Not Talk About RAGBRAI. The third rule of RAGBRAI is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT RAGBRAI! Being a veteran rider of RAGBRAI Dr. Kickass realizes by divulging the secrets of RAGBRAI he may be ostracized from the whole event but what the fuck DKA will take his chances. The following is a written re-enactment of RAGBRAI 2008 to the best of DKA's recollection. Everything is true except for the stuff totally made up.
Saturday July 19th - AKA Drunken bus ride across the state of Iowa.
Everyone dances, socializes, applies tattoos, takes ridiculous pictures and hopefully gets drunk enough to forget the embarrassing things they do and say. We stopped at Hooters in Des Moines and had lunch. We watched Steve puke and pass out. He gets a pass seeing as this was his first year he can only get better at the "Tao of Savage bus ride." We stayed at a Savage favorite, a country club outside of Missouri Valley. That night we ate and partied at the bar in the country club. Jacob had the genius idea of sleeping in the trailer, got locked in and nearly wet his kilt.
Sunday July 20th - Day one Missouri Valley - Harlan 59 miles.
Fresh legs and livers the riding was somewhat hilly. There was a kick ass band called Cheshire Grin in the last town Tennant . A Savage mosh pit formed during Let the Bodies Hit the Floor. Some Savages made it into the Youtube video of the performance right before they got shut down by State Troopers. Randy made a new buddy, a bagger named Jeff. Since we didn't have Christian with us we of course made him carry our beer.
Monday July 21St - Day two Harlan - Jefferson 83 miles.
This was the hilly day. As a rag tag group of Savages was exploring the area they happened upon a benevolent creature of the forest, the Sasquatch. After Gavin bested him in an arm wrestling match he agreed to ride and drink with us. Bigfoot taught the Savages to love and embrace nature; in turn the Savages taught Bigfoot how to bong beer. Though Bigfoot are known for there high alcohol tolerance they still cannot compete with the Subtle Savages. Unfortunately shortly after returning home to rural Northern Georgia Bigfoot passed away from an alcohol included cirrhotic liver.
Tuesday July 22nd - Day three Jefferson - Ames 57 miles.
This day started out drunk and only got worse. Rasta Gavin and Dulle were forced into a pickup truck ride from Boone to Ames with a couple of crazy yahoos, Billy Bob and the Mayor of Stoopidville (photographic evidence below). Once in Ames there were the college bars, and Styx played outside the stadium. The place was filled with townies and tried to enforce the shirt rule, typical big city setup. After traveling the 82 miles to our overnight house through a confusing and alcohol induced fuzziness the quorum of funny was formed in the driveway. There Christian, Zac, Secret Asian Man, and Dulle made fun of everyone and stayed up way to late being hilarious. If only someone would have documented it they could all have quit their day job. You know you are up way too late when the paper delivery woman comes by and you're still up drinking being hilarious.
Wednesday July 23rd - Day four Ames - Tama/Toledo 78 miles.
This part of film missing...got to Tama drank on bus…marked on someone's face that passed out on our bus…quorum of funny tried to reconvene but the spark was not there.
Thursday July 24th - Day five Toledo - North Liberty 76 miles.
It was rainy and overcast in the morning so most Savages got a late start. Team Party Patrol bought an $8 baby pig for $100 and kept it on there bus in the boy's bathroom. They plan to raise it and will hopefully invite the Savages to the hog roast when they are ready to eat Jimmie Dean. The Savage bus went to Tiffin (off-route) to Slims, a Savage favorite. The Savages engaged in an epic game of volleyball, an Olympic volleyball scout happened to be watching the game. The scout offered the Savages a chance to go to China to compete. Nine out of ten Savages didn't really know where China was so they drunkfully declined. That night the Savages stayed at a house on the edge of North Liberty with a pool that somehow remained un-defiled.
Friday July 25th - Day six North Liberty - Tipton 65 miles.
This may have been the earliest day leaving of the week. We left early but stayed for a long time at stops. Solon was the first stop, since this is the Savages side of the state and the bars are familiar we hung out longer. Sutliff was the next stop (off-route) to see what was left of the historic Sutliff Bridge. We stayed for about 3 hours then went a couple miles down the road to the Sutliff Cider Brewery. The owner of the place took the Savages on a tour of Brewery. When Christian inquired about a small cask sitting atop a much longer one, he removed his glove, slapped him across the face and declared that he could not handle what was in the cask. Bad idea….after a couple cask stands of 140 proof apple brandy, we were back on the road. Most of the Savages got on the bus, but a couple of the stupider ones rode on: Tara, Angela, Donna, Jeff, and Dulle. They didn't make it far before a pickup truck driver forced them into the back of her truck. Upon exiting the vehicle they were immediately called out, ridiculed and photographed by Officer Dan Schafer (fun documented below). Long story short most of the stupider Savages made it to Tipton…..late.
Saturday July 26th - Day seven Tipton - Le Claire 53 miles.
Last day we could only move as fast as the slowest Savage. We played some shuffle board, drank the Blonde's beer, and sadly rode our bikes to the last chance beer stop at some farm. Tommy got his miles in riding the last 15 miles bitch on the tandem with Megan. After another spectacular victory over RAGBRAI the Savages collected the "Golden Register", loaded their bikes, burnt Le Claire to the ground, and GOT ON THE BUS. Driver Don pulled off some amazing maneuvers and transported our fat, drunken, corpses back home. Until next year, au revoir RAGBRAI.
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