People/Places

What have those Savages been up to?

By Staff Writer: Doctor Kickass

July 18, 2007

July already and you are probably saying to yourself another year has gone by and no fucking Christmas Card from the Savages. Whats up with that what have those damn Savages been up to? On the other hand your probably saying Dr. Kickass this is just some wortless ploy to get everyone pumped up about RAGBRAI...we are on to your ruse. Well shut up dad why don't you ever believe in me!!!!

Aaron and Amy - Aaron has been busy keeping the pipes clean and lubed. No we are not referring to his job servicing dishwashers and dishwashing accessories we are referring to his chronic masturbating. Amy's bike went on a diet and lost 10 pounds this year. If that thing ever gets under 50 she is going to make us all look very bad.

Christian - This was a busy year for Christian. He formulated the Theory of Relativity, won his 7th tour de France after beating cancer and opened an all girls school in South Africa. Wait we are confusing him with Albert Einstein, Lance Armstrong, and Oprah. Who knows what the fuck he did.

Clint - Clint's wingman skills have become legendary. He is such a sport; even if it means he has to take a chubby he will suck it up.

Cory - Just graduated from Ninja School. Anytime you see a stray body laying around with a shuriken in its back you know Cory is nearby. Since he's a master of stealth, don't get on his bad side or the last thing you will hear is Haa-Doo-Ken as he pummels you with a Level 9 Dragon Uppercut.

Don - No longer single. He is seeing none other than a girl. Don't you know you don't bring groceries to the grocery store Don?

Donna - Donna got married. Yep all the men can join in a collective ahh shit. Jason's off the market.

Jeff - Still gay.

Joe and Kristan - Are having a baby. His name will be Hasselhoff Wolverine-Norris. His name derives from his Mothers handsome good looks and swimming ability and his fathers healing abilities and round house kick abilities. Everyone is anxiously awaiting to hear HW-N's and Joe's first words.

Joel - Joel was never that concerned about the plight of the giant Panda. But that was before he discovered Panda porn. Now he's a regular fucking activist.

John and Kari - J&K got married. It was an unholy and sacrilegious binding of two beings. All in attendance were appalled. You know that scene in "Stand By Me" where the kid eats the raw eggs and castor oil right before going into a pie eating contest? Just like that.

John Stutzman - John is about to hit a landmark. He is received 999 hand jobs from his female subordinates at Granite City. At 1000 he gets a plaque on the wall.

Randy - Yea Randy moved back to Iowa. Just in time because the midget we have been using for tossing has been hinting to us he wants dental coverage.

Steve - Silke smooth is all their is to say.

Tommy - Single again and right before RAGBRAI. What a coincidence!

Travis - Has moved to Las Vegas. Vegas should be good for Travis's business; it combines the convenience of non stop domestic flights with the convenience of non stop drinking and gambling.

Zac - He's a great guy. We couldn't think of anything creative to say so I we will just quote famous Arnold Schwarzenegger lines. "Thiss is my weaak arrm." "Please don't bother my friend. Hee is deaad tired" "Rememmber when I said I would kill youu last? I lied." "Its noot a tumor!" "Its my baaby!" "Stickk arouund." "I'll be baack." "If it bleeds we can kill it."




Doctor Kickass writes a syndicated article for SubtleSavages.com. He is author of award winning articles "Beer meet Liver. Liver... Beer", "Subtle Savages Win RAGBRAI" and, Armstrong not riding with the Savages. He resides in Cedar Rapids, Iowa with this wife and the love of his life Porkchop.

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