People/Places

Armstrong not riding with the Savages

By Staff Writer: Doctor Kickass

July 11, 2006

Marion - The Subtle Savages have announced the 7 time Tour de France Champion Lance Armstrong will not be riding with the team this year. When asked to comment team leader Aaron Baum said "I feel bad for the guy he didn't make the cut again this year. I got to hand it to the guy, he's got ball(s). Better luck to him next year." This was Armstrong's 3rd tryout for the team. It is rumored that he threw in a bonus with his application, a 2006 Madone SSL Trek Limited Edition Bicycle. Amy Baum was not impressed with the "Gift" stating "That bike is way to light, there's not even a place to hang your stereo!" The application process is really just a formality Savage hopefuls must excel in bike riding, beer drinking, and fashion.

The bike riding leg of the application process consists of a 33 mile bike through a scenic rolling hill section of Eastern Iowa. Along the ride there are 3 bar stops and one beer oasis. Armstrong finished in a disappointing 1 hour 34 minutes 56 seconds. Onlooker John Dulle commented "I was real fucking disappointed, he stayed less than 30 minutes at each bar stop and blew right by the beer oasis." The Savage winner of the day Jeff Julich finished the course in 6 hours 43 minutes and xx seconds (note at this time the time keeper was too drunk to keep track of the seconds). After crossing the finish line Jeff proclaimed "I couldn't have done it without bikes, boobies and beer."

Beer drinking is not held as an official event but more observed over the period of the Savage courting rite, and voted upon by a board of "high tolerance" Savages. Savage Tommy Juhl commented while picking Armstrong up off the floor for the third time that day "I don't got time to babysit this guy, I am out here trying to get my swerve on too." Don Baker added "this guy (Armstrong) is a 1-2 beer slide a day drinker, max." The vote came up unanimous against Armstrong when scholar and deep thinker Joe Jirak posed the hypothetical question to the board "Though Armstrong inspired millions with his triumph over cancer to come back and win the Tour de Drance 7 times standing, could he possibly beat Christian Skubal in a beer chugging contest therby inspring billions?"

The Savages pride themselves on there keen fashion sense, from the kilts to the cheerleader outfits, with brownies and school girls in between. Armstrong opted to sport the Savage male favorite the kilt, even though he had a tough time filling it out with his severely underdeveloped belly and arms. Armstong's fashion flop was exposed when the first random drunken horny girl ripped off his kilt to reveal he was wearing biking shorts underneath! Well better luck next year Mister Armstrong, keep up the twelve ounce curls and will see you on the ride.


Doctor Kickass writes a syndicated article for SubtleSavages.com. He is author of award winning articles "Donkey Punching My Way Across Iowa: RAGBRAI 2005" and "Subtle Savages Win RAGBRAI" You may also see him in such films as "Subtle Savages the Movie" and "Subtle Savages the Movie Part 2:The Search for More Beer".

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